god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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