...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
