so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
