you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
