it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
