After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
