You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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