I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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