remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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