he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
