I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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