He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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