and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
