I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
not ubering you a puppy
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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