On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
