Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I want a musical about memes.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize