my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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