like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
