Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
