I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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