i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
