I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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