i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
