Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
