Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize