i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
