dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize