I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
