he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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