your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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