i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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