The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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