I puked a lego.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
