does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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