i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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