glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
