Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
