the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
The dick lei will go down in squad history
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
