Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Holy sore nipples Batman
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
