Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
