Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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