walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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