Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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