there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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