the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
