Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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