My nipple is on Facebook.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize