She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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