ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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