take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
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