There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
