I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
