Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
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