Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
