She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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