About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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