How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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