I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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