Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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